


lets live on

by kkeirene



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Good, M/M, Mission: s02m20 Toxic, Realization, Sad Ushijima Wakatoshi, True Love, tendou satori is a real king in this one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26625490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkeirene/pseuds/kkeirene
Summary: "Oikawa could have anyone he wanted, yet he settled for Ushijima. Ushijima loved that fact sometimes, but most of the time he despised it. "Ushijima realizes he isnt as fine as he thought, and finds Tendou along the way.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so this is the first chapter lol. i intend to update this weekly (on thursdays, this one is on a wednesday but uh itll be alright lol), so stick around if youd like lol. i really like how this is coming out and i hope you do too! enjoy <3

Ushijima had never cared about relationships too much. Really, he didn't care for them at all, to be frank. He honestly wasn’t very sure why he was in his current relationship. He thought he was in love with Oikawa, but then again he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure what they had was love, but he thought it was pretty close at times. It was close enough at least. That was all that mattered. That was good enough for Oikawa, so it was good enough for Ushijima as well. Whatever was good enough for Oikawa would work for him too. 

Oikawa was a good boyfriend, Ushijima thought. He had never had a boyfriend before, so he didn't have much of anything to compare it to. But the people around him told him they envied his relationship (some nights he’d ask himself why anybody would ever want  _ this,  _ other nights he thanked all the beings above for it, but that was normal he thought.) Sometimes Oikawa would say things that hurt him, that cut deep and made him feel worthless, but he always apologized. Ushijima was so lucky to have Oikawa. Ushijima didn't deserve someone as sought after as his boyfriend. Oikawa told him this often enough for it to be ingrained in the back of his mind, a constant reminder of the lottery he had somehow won. It wasn't wrong, of course. Plenty of men and women wanted Oikawa. What were the odds Ushijima would be the one who ended up with the setter? Oikawa could have anyone he wanted, yet he settled for Ushijima. Ushijima loved that fact sometimes, but most of the time he despised it. 

Ushijima didn't have to do much to please Oikawa. He just had to do as he was told. Most of the time it wasn't too bad. The main rule was look good. Oikawa didn't want to be seen with someone who wasn't properly dressed to his standards all the time. Sometimes it was draining. Sometimes Ushijima wanted to wear sweatpants to Walmart at 11 pm, instead of jeans. But it wasn't a big deal. Oikawa was very presentation centered, Ushijima had always known. It hurt a little when Oikawa told him he looked horrible, or ugly, but after he changed Oikawa would tell him he looked presentable, so the problem would be solved. It was fine, they were fine. He told himself they were fine so many times, the words repeating over and over and over again like a never-ending mantra. 

Ushijima wasn't sure what Oikawa saw in him. Oikawa never told him what he saw in him. For Ushijima, Oikawa was a skilled volleyball player. Oikawa was a powerful and dominant player on the court, and anybody could see it. Even off the court you could tell by his aura, he was amazing at the sport. Sometimes he thinks that's why he said yes, other times he thinks it's because it was a lot easier to say yes to Oikawa than to say no. Oikawa was beautiful as well, but looks were never a factor in Ushijima’s decisions. Ushijima didn't care about fragile things like beauty. It didn't factor in his mind, though he wasn't blind either. He knew who was gorgeous, and who wasn't. He just didn't care either way. Some people assumed Ushijima was with Oikawa to keep him as arm candy, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Oikawa may be the one clinging to Ushijima’s arm, but Ushijima was the one told to sit still and look pretty, stay quiet and let Oikawa speak. Ushijima didn't mind it most of the time. Then again, sometimes it was tiring. But their relationship was like a play sometimes, all Ushijima had to do was play his role. Even he could do that successfully. 

Oikawa didn’t mind Ushijima having friends. He didn't really care at all. There were a few times Oikawa asked him to leave behind a friend, because of what Ushijima could only assume was jealousy. It was okay though, he quickly listened, though when Oikawa had initially requested his lips had pressed into a thin straight line. But that was a long time ago. No use worrying about it now he supposed. Speaking up would be no good, it wouldnt change anything. Oikawa was Oikawa, that wouldn't change. Ushijima feared Oikawa’s mood changes. Day to day, hour to hour, he was like a different person. Something Oikawa had raised hell about an hour ago, wouldn't matter anymore. Ushijima had never understood that. Oikawa said he never would understand it, he was too thick headed. Ushijima didn't change emotions at the drop of a hat. Most of the time he felt static, stuck in one spot, like a leaf in a tree. Every so often he dreamed of a breeze to come in and change that, to push him somewhere new. There was never any breezes for him. 

Sometimes he debated whether it was all worth it. He’d lay on his bed, his hand resting on his stomach, letting out big heaving sighs. The light from his window would hit him in a way that kept him pleasantly warm. But while the scene was hopeful, he was hopeless most of the time. Oikawa was supposed to be the best thing in his life, a blessing in fact. If that was true, why did he feel like this was no blessing, why did he feel it was more of a curse? He kept hearing people tell him he was so lucky, that he was supposed to be overjoyed, about how much of a catch Oikawa was. But he didn't feel that this was true most of the time. Being with Oikawa was draining. If being with Oikawa was what all relationships were supposed to feel like, he wasn't sure he wanted one anymore. But it was too late for that. Because how could he ever tell Oikawa no? In the end, they were fine. It was fine, it was always fine.


	2. Chapter 2

Ushijima told his friends about what Oikawa said sometimes. But it was Oikawa. They all laughed it off, called his boyfriend high maintenance. They said of course Oikawa was a lot of work, but also told him the prize was worth the means. They said it like it was obvious, something that anyone could know, incredulous as to how he did not know it. Ushijima questioned that logic sometimes. But if everyone was telling him he was so lucky he must be. It only made sense. If everyone else noticed it, it had to be true. It was more likely that he was wrong, so he just went with it. Easy as that, and all was fine once more. 

Ushijima wasn't sure how he ended up being friends with Tendou. Tendou came in his life quickly, loudly, like a burst of light. That was to be expected. His light never dwindled in all the times Ushijima had known him. He was always jumping from one thing to the next with little care of what others thought. Sometimes Ushijima wondered if he ever thought about what he did, or did he just go? On pure whim. Ushijima liked that about Tendou. He didn't overthink things. Ushijima was a notorious overthinker, stuck in his head all the time. Tendou didn't mind Ushijimas long silences. It wasn't that Ushijima didn't want to talk, it was just that he'd gotten so used to sitting still, looking pretty that it felt wrong in a way. To say what was on his mind felt unnatural. Even when Oikawa wasn't around, Ushijima worried about what he'd think. He had a hold on him from miles away. Tendou tried to draw Ushijima out of this shell. And behind closed doors Ushijima talked a lot more with him. It became easier and easier to open up to him. But when he was with Tendou, he noticed something else. His conversations were different with Tendou. With others the conversations were always about Oikawa, sometimes about his volleyball ability. Tendou talked about volleyball sometimes, but the conversations never were about Oikawa. Ushijima felt like he and Oikawa were one and the same, people always asked him about his boyfriend, he wondered where their perception of him just bled into another part of Oikawa, an extension of Oikawa in a way.. It felt nice to feel like he was separate, he was himself and Oikawa was his boyfriend. He was Ushijima, and Tendou noticed. And to Tendou, that was enough. That was all that mattered.

Oikawa didn’t like Tendou. Oikawa thought he was too loud, too crazy, too much. But he never interfered. Ushijima assumed Oikawa realized how they were very good friends, despite meeting not too long ago. Oikawa realized that Tendou had quickly became a big part in Ushijima’s life. Ushijima could tell Oikawa still showed displeasure when he talked about Tendou. Oikawa showed little to no interest in most of Ushijima’s life, but when it came to Tendou it was more than mild disinterest. It was a dislike for the other male, one in which Ushijima would never be able to understand. But, as most things were to Ushijima, it was fine. Tendou didn't care for Oikawa. He didn't like the other male, but he didn't dislike him either. He was just there in Tendou’s eyes. It was a bit awkward having your best friend and your boyfriend in a silent, one-sided dislike all the time, but Ushijima wanted them both. He pretended not to notice Oikawa’s petty glares in Tendou’s direction, and the snickers Tendou let out about Oikawa’s whining. Ignorance was something he fanned over himself, pretending to be blissfully unaware of the tension between the three. It was believable to Oikawa at least, the other told him often how emotionally he just wasn't present. It's not that Oikawa was right, he wasn't, but it was easier to ignore what was there than to talk about it. Tendou was a little more perceptive, Ushijima noticed. Ushijima knew that Tendou knew he wasn't just there. He had feelings, he had emotions. He wasn't sure if he liked someone being able to see him for more than face value. It wasn't bad per say, just new. It was the type of thing he'd let a soft grunt out in appreciation of. It was there, but did he like it? He didn't know for sure yet, but he assumed he’d see as time went on. 

Oikawa never really told Ushijima if he loved him. Ushijima assumed he must love him. Why else would he be with him instead of any of his admirers? That had to stand for something. Though Ushijima supposed hearing it out of his mouth wouldn't hurt. Ushijima could assume and piece together answers, he could ask others what they thought from his observations, but that didn't make them right. What would make them right was if Oikawa had shown it. What would make them right was if Oikawa confirmed it. It would make it true if Oikawa denied his fears. But Oikawa never did that, and it seemed he never would. Sometimes Ushijima wondered if it was out of some fear of commitment from Oikawa, and other times he wondered if Oikawa truly didn't love him. On occasion he thought Oikawa was only with him to be with him, similar to how he sometimes thought he was only with Oikawa because it was easier to say yes than no. It was a possibility, and there was a probability it was true. He didn't like the thought of this. He always felt a turning in his stomach when these thoughts were present. But these thoughts would subside into his normal thought of how that was ridiculous. Oikawa must love him. He had to. There was no explanation for why he thought this way. He thought he might be jealous of Oikawa’s admirers, maybe felt threatened by them there. He just pinned it to him being petty, and overthinking things. But in the back of his mind the fear was always there. It ate him up sometimes, wondering what was actually happening. He pushed these thoughts as far away as he could, and told himself it was fine. It was fine, wasn't it? It had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so here's chapter 2!! uh i kinda forgot im going on vacation this coming week, ill try to get the chapter out on time but if i dont.... uh sorry. once again, my twitter is @joondiorr if u want to follow me, i sometimes tweet abt what im writing though usually i just scream abt whoever im simping over. stay safe during this time!!:))


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